THE GREAT ESCAPE PART-Part III: "So, This Is Why They Call It Labor"

Let me say that, after watching Joli be born, I have a completely new respect for mothers in general. My respect for my wife, while always high, has now hit astronomical levels.

Giving birth ain't too pleasant.

After almost 16 hours of uneventful waiting-- it was basically a hospital sleepover; Liza and I gave each other a make-over and made cookies in an Easy Bake Oven-- the first truly painful contraction hit.

Liza sucked in air and whispered "Yeah, it's time for some drugs."

Now, let's discuss epidurals for a moment. This is quite possibly the most unnatural medical procedure in the universe. THEY STICK A NEEDLE IN YOUR SPINE!! Liza, who was amazing throughout the contractions and the labor, said several times that the most painful moment of the entire process was inserting the epidural.

A few moments later, she was singing its praises.

A few hours later, Joli was making her Great Escape.

My job was simple I held one of Liza's legs up and helped her breathe. We'd learned all these advanced breathing techniques in class two weeks earlier.

I remembered none of them.

So, my job was even easier. I held one of Liza's legs up and the nurse helped her breathe.

Liza was like Rocky Balboa during the labor. The doctor would tell her "Give me three pushes." She would grit her teeth and give FIVE.

"The baby is right there," the doctor said.

I peeked down and saw a mess of jet black hair peeking out of Liza.

Good lord, Liza's giving birth to a muppet.

Liza gave another push and the doctor started screaming "STOP! STOP! We're not ready for her yet!"

I didn't know you could call a time-out during a delivery.

A team of nurses and pediatricians scrambled into the room and set up the baby-warmer, a bunch of sterile towels, lights--

And then... the most incredible thing happened.

Liza and I became biologically related.

A tiny little girl was suddenly kicking and screaming in the middle of the room.

The doctor held her up and said "Look at what you guys made!"